Know Me? Unlikely.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Start Something

Hello, what the fuck do you want? Oh, sorry, do I sound a little unfriendly? Nothing personal, I just base my greeting off the fact that there's a fifty-fifty chance I won't even like you, or so I used to think. I guess I could try to explain, but that may take months.

Sometimes you get so torn up inside you feel like you're beyond repair. It can feel like you're humpty dumpty, only there are no horses nor men to even try to put you back together again. So, let me tell you a quick story, and see if you can catch the meaning--

I wasn't born preferring bears or penguins. My real friends were penguins, but I sure gave bears every chance. Penguins seemed so much more subtle and intuitive. So much more nurturing. Bears on the other hand were a bit more crude, more predictable. That and they hibernate waiting for the next spring.

Turmoil. I've made choices. I've stuck by them. Yet now, he comes into the picture. He trashes my scene without even realizing it. Things were in place, and this confusing variable is added.

At first I thought he was a fruit, so I tried to categorize him.
And I prefer Oranges.
But he's-- He's an orange apple. He seems so soft, so emotionally exposed, yet he's not weak physically. How can I see so much penguin in this bear? He's obviously a bear, by nature, then again-- *GRRR* I want to hate him. He's violating my rules and I don't think he's even aware.

It's not like I chose women because of any ridiculously bad experiences. It was like a mound of straw, placed there one at a time, and finally I didn't care to keep looking for the needle. Brutes, 'nice guys', shy guys, jocks, intellects; I tried everything, but they all had a distinct flaw, they were all too--male.

I remember when I tried something new:
I had a little fun with a friend. And it was more than a little fun. She was receptive. She didn't curl up into a ball with the most casual suggestion on what felt more right and what felt less so. She didn't have some internal house of cards parading itself as an indestructible ego. We learned what we liked so quickly and there was so much satisfaction. It was a true connection. I felt it was just something that we were more capable of, inherently, than the falsehood-perpetuating gender.

They pretend strength, but are weaker than me in so many ways.
They pretend like they're not superficial, but that's just another layer of superficiality.
They pretend like they care, but to them it's only an investment that they expect a return on.
They pretend like they'll always be there, but they're always the first to give up.

So yeah, I have a perspective, but I do not consider it cynical or pessimistic. It's realistic. It's a generality, granted, but when it holds true 100%, then why not take that 'gamble'. And so what if I build a gradual animousity towards that half of the population. They would probably consider themselves better off without me, as I do without them.

Or at least I used to think.

I'm so fucking frustrated, how can one goddamn person make me question what I've been upholding for years. My torch of pride has never faltered. I am who I am through choices. Damn good choices. Years of happiness even. Relationships that I always learn from.

Hmm, it feels good to bleed this onto the computer. To spray these thoughts into the ether of the internet. (Or internets if you're a president with 78IQ)